"What Came First? The Music Or The Misery?"

The blues. They got me by the ankles and they wonít let go. The harder I try to get away, the tighter their grip becomes. "Oh no," the blues is calling, "We ainít gonna let you get to the fridge and open up that box of fudge pops!" I beg and I plead, but the blues will not be denied. "Get back on that couch and finish your beer," they command me. And sadly, I obey.

Right now Iím not sure if I should be listening to "Hello Itís Me" by Todd Rundgren, "Dead Flowers" by The Rolling Stones or Gilbert OíSullivanís "Alone Again (Naturally)." Just keep that copy of ëLayla And Other Assorted Love Songsí out of my reach. Pop that sucker in the CD player and Iím one step away from morbid late night confessionals and running naked through the Meijer parking lot.

Getting back to the blues...isnít it somewhat unjust that Aaliyahís recent death received way more attention that John Lee Hookerís? Donít get me wrong - I think itís sad that a singer should die at such a young age, but sheís not exactly the George Bailey of the music world. I mean, if she hadnít been born, pop music would be almost exactly the same as it is now, only Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera would have one less belly button to compete with for chart supremacy and Brandy would have to find someone else to be her spicy alter ego. And as far as John Lee Hooker goes, I guess itís partly his own fault for dying on the same day as Archie Bunker.

At least thereís a new Nick Lowe album to cheer me up. Oh wait, Nick no longer makes bouncy pop records to lift oneís spirits. Heís more introspective now and writes songs about being old and alone, with only an occasional glimmer of hope to calm the beast in him. Yeah, thatís what I need. Misery loves company and someone to split the check with. Oh well, itíll probably be a good album and it sure beats listening to Slipknot.

The AIDA is suing HBOís ëThe Sopranosí because they feel the show defames Italian Americans. In a related story, the Mental Health Association may file a lawsuit against Anne Heche for making crazy people look bad.

Iím not gonna rant endlessly about MTVís Video Music Awards because I didnít watch them. That would be like going to a kids birthday party and complaining that the performance by the Barney impersonator lacked depth. I did hear that the King of Pop made a surprise appearance and strutted his stuff on stage with boy band supreme ëN Sync, thus making his transformation into a white guy complete and igniting rumors of a possible Backstreet Boys/Rockwell collaboration.

Carson Daly - taking the talent of being nondescript to new heights. And now heís signed a deal with Sony to start his own record label. Boy, there sure are gonna be a lot of surprised people when this guy finally reveals himself to be the Antichrist. And wonít Drew Barrymore be sorry she married him.

Someone ought to smack me hard for not mentioning the death of Lou Boudreau in this column. ëThe Good Kidí originally made his mark on the baseball diamond as a player and manager but will always be remembered in LakinLand for his work behind the mike as an announcer for the Chicago Cubs. He was a broadcaster who new the nuances of the game better than anyone and, from what Iíve heard, a very nice guy as well. I would say he will be missed, but in truth heís been missed ever since he left the broadcast booth.

I visited George Carlinís ëLaugh.comí web site recently and imagine my surprise when I found a picture of Tennessee Ernie Ford next to the synopsis of Phil Harris!! Maybe they couldnít find a picture of Harris and thought no one would notice. If thatís the case, they could have at least used someone who looked more like him than the olí pea picker. Or is it also hard to find photos of Forrest Tucker?

So then I logged onto Amazon.com and checked out what they think is "new for me." This, I guess, is based on what items Iíve searched for and what Iíve ordered in the past. And do you know what they offered as suggestions? The new ëN Sync CD, a Pokemon video game and ëPaint Your Wagoní on DVD. Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood singing. Yeah, that oughta cheer me right up.

Also while surfing the Internet, I came across an interview with Peter Fonda where (once again) he tells the story about the time he inspired John Lennon to write "She Said, She Said" by telling him he knew what is was like to be dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah - weíve heard it a million times, Captain America. But what you forget to mention is Lennon wrote another song about you that never got recorded: "I Know What Itís Like to Be Bored To Death By A Creepy Third Rate Actor Who Had A Hit Movie And Then Disappeared Off The Face Of The Earth."

Oh wait, I just realized that Drew Barrymore married Tom Green, not Carson Daly. Thatís a relief. Sheís never gonna regret that decision, I bet.

As if those ëBob Pattersoní promos arenít annoying enough, we also have to put up with Jason Alexanderís tiresome act in a new series of Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials. There should be a law that says great supporting characters on sitcoms must be put out to pasture when their routines gets old and the actors who play them should be sent to a place where we never have to see them again. Like the WB.

All right, Brian Setzer has done rockabilly, swing and now heís into hot rod music. Just one question: When's the polka album coming out?

Getting back to the subject of depressing songs, did you ever hear "One Dyiní And A-Buryiní" by Roger Miller? Man, a dark eerie song about suicide written by the same guy who brought you "Chug-A-Lug," "Dang Me" and the unforgettable "You Canít Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd." Oddly enough, this morose ditty inspired Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart to write a song for The Monkees! Yeah, they heard Miller sing the line "I Wanna Be Free" and before you could say "Do Wacka Do," Davy Jones had himself an anthem.

Okay, Iíve just loaded up the changer with the four CDs from the Nick Drake box set and ëClosing Timeí by Tom Waits. Once again, I am going about this the wrong way. Itís time to suck down a couple dozen Pixie Sticks, forget about those sad songs that say so much to Elton John and play a record thatíll chase the blues away. Letís see... I know itís in this stack of old 45ís somewhere... Ah, here it is!

Some think the world is made for fun and frolic
And so do I! And so do I!
Some think it well to be all melancholic
To pine and sigh, to pine and sigh
But I, I love to spend my time in singing
Some joyous song, some joyous song
To set the air with music bravely ringing
Is far from wrong! Is far from wrong!
Harken! Harken! Music sounds afar!
Harken! Harken! Music sounds afar!
Funiculi, funicula, funiculi, funicula!
Joy is everywhere! Funiculi, funicula!