Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

Politicians. They fuck and they lie. Gary Condit did both and now the slimy weasel is squirming like a wounded toad and trying to save his own political ass. I didnít watch the Connie Chung interview because I had something better to do. Letís just say there is now less scum in my toilet bowl than there is in congress and the stench you smell is not coming from my bathroom.

Connie Chung. Oooh, Iím shaking in my boots! Well, at least Condit didnít choose to have a sit down with Barbara Walters. "What kind of tree would you be if you had a dead body buried under you?" Shouldíve gone with Jiminy Glick. Not a great interviewer, but what a pre-show buffet!!

And one last thing on the Condit matter (for now). Didnít it look like his make-up was done at a funeral parlor? How appropriate, considering he was appearing on national television to bury his political career.

And speaking of sharks, the ones that swim in the water sure are pissed off. Maybe they finally got a chance to see Jaws III and have decided to seek revenge. Or maybe itís just having to deal with those annoying surfers. I bet after hearing the word "dude" a couple million times, youíd wanna take a bite out of someone, too.

Did you happen to catch President Bushís nationally televised oral report on stem cell research? What a pussy. Instead of taking a firm stand on one side of the issue, he copped out and cut the baby in the half by allowing limited funding for the controversial research. And when I say "cut the baby in half" I mean it in a figurative sense. To actually have done that wouldíve upset even the most fervent liberals, I think. Next up: Bush to appear on Meet The Press and read his "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essay.

Meanwhile, former president Bill Clinton inked a multi-million dollar deal to write a book. But imagine the publisherís dismay when they found out the title would be Presidential Sniglets!

Batman - The Movie...now available on DVD. I wonder if thereís a commentary track with Adam West telling those same old boring stories. "That Burt Ward sure was a horny bastard. And how about that Catwoman! Thereís a reason our scenes together had to be shot from the waist up!" Ah, those unforgiving tights. I guess the Bat Poles werenít the only things hard and long in the Bat Cave.

What the hell happened?! I just noticed Iím paying $35 bucks a month for cable! Yeah, thatís right thirty-five dollars. I know I really should cancel it, but as soon as I do, E! will run a True Hollywood Story on Joanie Loves Chachi and Iíll miss it!

Hold on a sec. I just gotta stop here for a moment and reflect. Yeah, this happens every time I remind myself of Chachi. Oh, that Scott Baio. What a corker. And I hear heís a regular Burt Ward when it comes to the ladies.

And speaking of the ladies, that brings us to this monthís hot magazine covers...

Thatís the scrumptious Meadow Soprano steaming up the September issue of Maxim. Yeah, I know. I could get fitted for a pair of cement shoes for gawking at pictures of Tonyís little girl. But she started it! And something tells me that her version of "getting whacked" is a whole lot different than her fatherís.

Jennifer Lopez ainít wearing nothing but a pink fuzzy bikini bottom on the cover of the current issue of Stuff (For Men). Now itís not often that J. Lo gets my blood pumping, but this shot of her topless with her back to the camera does have its appeal. She looks so innocent and vulnerable - like she was airbrushed totally against her will. And it makes me forget all about her crummy music or embarrassing fling with Puff Pee Diddy Daddy and instead concentrate on just one thing. That big ass butt. Mercy! Never has the phrase "shake your money maker" been more appropriate.

Then thereís our girl Britney on the cover of the Rolling Stone. And Iíll be damned if that photographer didnít snap the picture before Miss Spears had a chance to button up her top. Man, I hate when that happens.

Hey, looks like this edition of F&R could use a cold shower break. Well, hereís one for all you Chicago Cubs fans. The boys of Wrigley have lost their division lead to Houston, the St. Louis Cardinals are sneaking up from behind and pitcher Kerry Wood has been missing starts due to tendinitis. Yeah, things really started to go down hill after former Chicago Bear Steve McMichael got ejected for umpire baiting during his seventh inning stretch performance of "Take Me Out To The Ball Game." However, there is no truth to the rumor that singer-songwriter Paul Simon will be providing the background music for this yearís official Cubs highlight video. "Slip slidin' away, slip slidin' away..."

And finally, on a sad note...we look back on the day the music truly died. Lorenzo Music, that is, who passed away a couple of weeks ago without much notice, but has a special place in the LakinLand memory files as Carlton the Doorman from the TV series Rhoda. Viewers never saw his face or even the back of his head, but who could forget that legendary inebriated voice "Hello, this is Cartlon, your doorman..." Good-bye, Carlton, and sorry about the tip.