Special Millennium Edition

"I can feel it in my bones..."

As we come to the end of one millennium and the start of a another, I offer my "gut feeling" insights on what was and what will be. Misty water-colored memories and Que Sera, Sera all served up as one F&R enchilada.

TV Guide has chosen Elvis Presley as the Entertainer of the Century. I beg to differ. My pick would have to be ventriloquist Senor Wences, who passed away this year at the age of 103, thus making him one of the few entertainers whose life nearly spanned the entire century. Even though the focal point of his act was a face painted on his hand, Wences was a frequent guest on all the top TV variety programs for many years and Ed Sullivan never had to worry about instructing his cameramen to shoot him only from the wrist up.

I predict that Minnesota governor and former pro wrestler Jessie "The Body" Ventura will run for President of the United States, but will lose a close election when Republican candidate George W. Bush uses the old Mitsu Arakawa "salt in the eyes" trick at a crucial televised debate.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up New Yearís Day and found out my underpants werenít Y2K compatible!

My choice for the Best Situation Comedy of the Millennium? The Dick Van Dyke Show, which ran on CBS from 1961-1966, and is the only one of the candidates for this honor that had to good sense to get off the air before it embarrassed itself.

New Yearís Resolution #1:  I will try to be more open minded about things, even though most people don't know what the hell they're talking about and everyone who disagrees with me is most likely insane.

Many were surprised when ESPN announced that basketball superstar Michael Jordan beat out baseball legend Babe Ruth as their selection for "Athlete of Century." Maybe they thought that beer guzzling and skirt chasing would weigh heavier in the final tally.

Iím saying it now, so write it down. The big comeback of the year will be Hal Linden.

The name of quiz show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? will be changed to Kiss My Ass, Regis when that phrase becomes a common response to the hostís annoying prodding for a final answer.

Best Band of the millennium? Itís the same group that recorded Revolver, the Best Album of the millennium. Hereís another clue for you all: the bass player was Paul.

New Yearís Resolution #2: I will not let self-centered, manipulative women control my life anymore. Unless, of course, thereís even the tiniest remote possibility that it could lead to the eventual likelihood of maybe having sex. Or at the very least, being told that Iím a really great person.

It was true this past millennium and it will be true this new one as well: People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

Calling Citizen Kane the Best Movie of the millennium is a vast understatement.  Itís the Best Movie ever!

A couple of thoughts on the New Yearís Eve millennium celebration in our nationís capitol. Thanks to Lou Gramm and Mick Jones of Foreigner for dropping by to remind us why we wonít miss everything from the past millennium. And even though it is Larry Kingís favorite record of all time, donít you think Don McLean wanted to stop in the middle of American Pie and scream, "Iím so damned tired of having to play this song all the time, I could just puke!!!"  (You know, he also wrote a pretty good song about Vincent Van Gogh.)

Greatest Country Music Artist of the millennium? Hank Williams, Sr. Do you think Garth Brooks has heard any of his records?

Monica Lewinsky has a new job for the new year. Sheís the new spokesperson for Jenny Craig. The diet plan is simple. Lose weight by putting less in your mouth.

New Yearís Resolution #3: Never again to loan anything of real value to someone named Spanky.

Another New Yearís Eve memory: Billy Joel, looking a lot like Alan King, straps on a guitar and demonstrates why We Didnít Start The Fire is one of the worst songs ever recorded by a major artist.

Many comedians have made me laugh this past millennium. The brilliant stand-up comedy of a young Woody Allen can now be appreciated will the release of the appropriately named Standup Comic CD on the Rhino label. Perhaps the greatest stand-up performance of all time can be heard on the double disc set Lenny Bruce - The Carnegie Hall Concert. And letís not forget Richard Pryor and his concert films from the late 70ís and early 80ís. Have we got anything out there today that can even come close this stuff? Iíd settle for something that came within a mile of Jan Murray on a bad day.

Call it a hunch, but I think this is the year giant mutant insects will destroy one of our major cities

Pop singer Dusty Springfield passed away this year. She will be missed but she left a lot of great music for us to remember her by, including the legendary album Dusty in Memphis. If you got a copy, play it. If not, go out and buy the remastered compact disc.

Back to TV Guide and itís top entertainers of the century. Marilyn Monroe is number two?? Ahead of the Best Band of the millennium? And ahead of Frank Sinatra? Check the legacies and get back to me.

New Yearís Resolution #4: To be myself and not try to impress people by pretending to be the only living heir to Durward Kirby.

 

The worst movie of the millennium? In my book, itís gotta be the Sgt. Pepperís Lonely Hearts Club Band debacle orchestrated by Robert Stigwood and starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees. Then again, Iíve never seen a Paulie Shore movie.

The results are in for the last Rolling Stone magazine Readersí Poll of the millennium and itís almost a clean sweep for the Backstreet Boys!! Artists of the Year, Band of the Year Album of the Year, Best Video, Best Dressed, Best Tour, Best Fan Site and Biggest Hype.  Itís comforting to know that the great bastion of rock and roll journalism serves as a beacon to the serious minded connoisseurs of innovative synchronized dance steps and repetitive thought revoking crap. Hey, Jann Wenner, you can do all the stories you want on politics, global warming, gun control and whatever the hell else you wanna throw in there, but you wonít make even the slightest dent in social consciousness when your core audience is more concerned about whether or not Britney Spears shows more than her belly button in the latest photo spread or who was dissiní whom at a recent awards show. Plus that movie you was in with John Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis really sucked.

New Yearís Resolution #5: To let the people I really care about know exactly how much they mean to me. So if youíre reading this, consider it done.

And finally, the thing I miss most about the previous millennium? A good game of Jarts.