Yeah, weíll save the sad part for the end. Right now, hereís All The Stuff (and more)...

Bozo Circus is off the air! After 40 years, WGN (a.k.a. Chicagoís Very Own) is pulling the plug on the once popular kids show and taking down the big top for good. No more Grand March. No more plate spinners, local baton twirlers or a guy in a gorilla suit throwing pies. And no more Grand Prize Game, which also means Iíll never again hear Bozo say, "Some Clark Bars for you and a pair of nylons for your mom!"

Former Dallas Cowboy Quarterback Troy Aikman officially retired from the NFL after finding out that nobody in their right mind wanted to take the responsibility for his death on a football field. But donít cry no tears for Mr. Aikman. The numerous concussions he suffered during his playing days make him an excellent candidate for Governor of Texas! (A tip of the hat to the Webmaster on that one.)

Speaking of pro football, letís change the subject and talk about the XFL. Is it still on?  I mean, I think I heard something about the play-offs coming up. Oh well, if you find out anything, let me know.

Okay, so Iím getting ready to serve myself one of them delicious frozen pizzas you can buy in the stores, when I see on the package it says, "Do not eat pizza without cooking." Damn, I wished Iíd noticed that twenty years ago!!!

I caught the E! Hollywood True Story on the rise and fall of Cheech & Chong. Geeze, Tommy Chong is still whining about how Cheech broke up the act. Yeah, too bad. Think of all the stoner film concepts they left untapped. Cheech & Chong Join The Army, Cheech & Chong in Outer Space, Cheech & Chong Bogart A Big Doobie - The Final Chapter. Come on, man, even Burns & Schrieber knew when it was time to give the cab driver routine a proper burial. Know what I mean, know what I mean?

This just in on the LakinLand teletype. The President of the United States, which in most of the country is George W. Bush, has changed his mind and decided to issue a formal apology to the nation of China: "Sorry your dumbass pilot ran into our plane."

Oh, that Peter Buck! I guess one day he woke up and decided he wanted to act like a real rock star. So he got drunk, got on a plane and assaulted a couple of crew members. Well, can you blame him? I hear that airline food is pretty bad and those bags of peanuts really are small. The British authorities werenít amused however and the R.E.M. guitarist was arrested and tossed in the hoosegow when the plane landed in England. Ironically, R.E.M. is scheduled to play a Freedom Concert later this month in South Africa. (You do see the irony, right?)

I recently spent an evening listening to a woman Iím attracted to talk about doing it with her ex-boyfriend and how the only thing that really satisfied her was the cookie afterwards. The sad part is, I now consider this oral sex.

Tool on the cover of Ice magazine? Huh? I thought this rag was supposed to be a sanctuary for cranky old music lovers like myself and members of the LakinLand tribunal, who meet once a month to parade around the room like ring card girls holding up our recent CD purchases (usually reissues) and pine for the days when music was music and you could still buy a new album by a major artist for under five bucks. So what happened? Has Ice sold out since it went to the new glossy paper format? Or did they just forget about the Glenn Tilbrook solo release when they made their cover choice?

Jane Fonda wants to make it official and has asked her billionaire husband Ted Turner for a divorce. Which means the next time Jane does the tomahawk chop, itíll be on Tedís assets.

Itís not so much that Iím pro death penalty. Iím just anti Timothy McVeigh being alive. Cruel and inhumane punishment? First youíve got convince me heís human. And should his or any other execution be televised? Hell, why not just make it a game segment on The Price is Right with Bob Barker. "Youíll notice that this convicted terrorist has four different prices written on his arm. All you have to do is stick the hypodermic needle in one of the prices and if it the matches the price of the patio furniture, the murdering bastard dies and you win!" (Oh, and donít forget to have your pets spayed or neutered.)

Did anybody else see the Letterman repeat where Jerry Seinfield did some of his new standup material? Funny stuff, for sure, but I wasnít so comfortable hearing him use words like "ass" and "MoFo" in the routine. Yes, somewhere in heaven the ghost of Red Skelton can be heard saying "Jerry, donít do the blue."

Hey, how about those Chicago Cubs! First team in the majors to win ten games. Yeah, but Iím not falling for it this time. Sure, they started out good but in a month or so theyíll start playing down to their potential and then itís one long, miserable slide to October. Then again, the pitching does look pretty good...Díoh!!

In a related story thatís totally unrelated, Michael Jordan continues to deny that heís planing to come out of retirement and play in the NBA again. The rumors of his return were fanned when Michael named Doug Collins, who once coached Jordan at Chicago, as the new head coach of the Washington Wizards last week. And a recent sighting of former Bulls center Bill Cartwright taking some practice "no-look passes" to the side of his head is also coincidental, says Jordan.

Former Notre Dame head basketball coach Digger Phelps says he might be willing to serve as "drug czar" in the Bush administration. Yeah, but wait till he finds out he doesnít get to wear one of those black woolly Brezhnev hats. All bets are off then, comrade.

I watched that new game show on TV called The Weakest Link and to me it just seemed rather mean spirited. Maybe instead of voting people off for getting the answers wrong, they could just have ëem stand in the corner for awhile or bang out the erasers. And that host lady - she really needs to work on her people skills.

And finally (as foreshadowed), LakinLand is mourning the loss of Joey Ramone, who died at the age of 49 this past Easter Sunday. I donít know whatís harder to believe, that Joey is dead or that he was actually 49 years old. To us, heíll always be that young guy in the ripped jeans on the black and white cover of the first Ramones album. The kind of kid that drew bomber planes on his notebook in the back of the classroom and answered "Chuck Berry" when the histroy teacher asked him who discovered America. Weíll remember him as the real star of Rock and Roll High School, a cult film that only came to life the moment Joey and his fellow Ramones appeared on the screen in the Ramonesmobile. But most of all, weíll remember him as the singer on those great records and as the central figure at all those spirited live shows. Joey at the mike, tilting it forward and holding it like it was a part of him. It was. And he was a part of us. Sad to see him go, go go go good-bye. Gabba Gabba Hey.