Oscars 2001 -  Only Dylan Says ëThings Have Changedí

Yes, the OscarÆ telecast is an American tradition. People tune in every year and every year they complain that it was too damn long. This year included. Even with the absence of big stupid production numbers and poorly conceived film montages, the show still ran well over three hours. But at least we didnít have to suffer through a lot of contrived banter between ill-prepared celebrities. Thatís because most of the awards were passed out by a single presenter. This, of course, deprived us of some inspired pairings. You know, a really tall movie star with a really short one. Or a really old one with a really young one. Or Cher and someone wearing clothes. Sure, you gotta miss that sort of thing. Especially the hilarity thatís unleashed when one presenter accidentally reads the other oneís line off the teleprompter!

Personally, I canít watch the Academy AwardsÆ without thinking back on how the annual telecasts were such big events when I was growing up in the heartland. The whole family would gather around the set to watch it and weíd all root for our favorites to win, even though we wouldnít actually see any of the nominated films until they showed up on Saturday Night At The Movies a couple of years later. "After all," my mom would tell us, "why drive to a theater and pay to see a movie when they show them on TV for free?" Plus with TV, youíve got commercials so you can go to the bathroom.

Steve Martin was the host for this yearís hootenanny but instead of being a "wild and crazy guy," he was more of a throwback to old style OscarÆ hosts. You know, the ones that used to just say funny things and introduce people. Like Johnny Carson. He was pretty damn good. Or Bob "Thanks for the Memories" Hope. You could always depend on old ski nose to come up with a few good lines, especially when he went into his shtick about being passed over in the OscarÆ nominations. Yeah, itís too bad the members of the academy couldnít appreciate his understated work in such film classics as Call Me Bwana with Anita Ekberg or Iíll Take Sweden directed by Frederick de Cordova, the Martin Scorsese of fast, low-budget comedy films in the 50ís & 60ís.

Gladiator took home the Grand Poobah award and now assumes a place in OscarÆ history next to other great epics like Gone With The Wind, Ben-Hur and whatever the hell else you wanna put in there. Yes, the people at DreamWorks must be tickled pink over this big win. And to think it all got off the ground because David Geffen wanted to see Russell Crowe in a skirt.

And there certainly was a lot to "Crowe" about during the festivities. Russell Crowe won the Best Actor award, Cameron Crowe picked up an OscarÆ for his Almost Famous screenplay and the lead singer for the Black Crowes got to go home with Kate Hudson. Now if theyíd only given the Irving G. Thalberg Award to Heckle & Jeckle, it wouldíve been a clean sweep.

Hollywoodís sweetheart Julia Roberts walked away with the prize for Best Actress in a leading role. And her acceptance speech was so adorable I just wanted to get up and hug my TV. Then again, I felt the same way when Penelope Cruz came out and presented an award. Okay, maybe "hug" isnít the right word for what I wanted to do to the set in that case, but Iím digressing. Julia got her OscarÆ as anticipated, but was it really for Erin Brockovich or was the academy merely trying to compesate for a previous oversight when they failed to nominate her for performance as Tinkerbell in Hook?

Perhaps the biggest upset of the night was in the Best Supporting Actress competition when Marcia Gay Harden won for her role in Pollack, thus beating out favorite Kate Hudson and her Almost Famous co-star Frances McDormand. Some think the two actresses may have canceled each other out, but a few voters complained they were confused by the complex OscarÆ ballot and accidentally cast their votes for Pat Buchanan.

Can anything be more wrong than the new Pepsi commercial that made itís debut during the OscarÆ telecast? There was teen pop sensation Britney Spears gyrating around in her standard skimpy bimbo outfit when all of a sudden the camera cuts to a leering Bob Dole watching her on TV with a fully erect pen in his hand. And we can only hope he was talking to his canine companion when he uttered the line, "Easy boy."

Naturally, if youíve got a viewer magnet like the Academy AwardsÆ, youíll use it to plug the new shows youíve got coming up. ABC did just that with a generous supply of promos for What About Joan, the new sitcom starring movie actress Joan Cusack. Now, I think sheís great, but what chance does she have when her fate is in the hands of the network that made Geena Davis unappealing to watch? Not much if the first episode is any indication. A straight and narrow button-down collar guy immediately falls head-over-heels for an offbeat but lovable wacky girl. Can you say Dharma and Greg? (Without vomiting?)

And Martha Stewart. Do we really need to see her lying naked in bed covering up her naughties with a sheet from K-Mart? Yes, K-Mart.

Bob Dylan won an Academy Award for "Things Have Changed," the song he wrote and sangfor Wonder Boys. And the Hollywood elite sure seemed giddy with delight as they watched his performance live via satellite on the Jumbotron. "Oooh, we got Bob Dylan to entertain at our party!" Yeah, sure beats the crap out of a clown making balloon animals at the Golden Globes.

Other rock stars who crossed over to the film world and performed their nominated songs were Sting, Bjork and Randy Newman, who has quietly become the Susan Lucci of the Academy AwardsÆ music categories. Sting looked good is his tux as he bored the pants off a world wide audience with his little ditty from The Emperorís New Groove. Bjork sang "Iíve Seen It All," and I think we have too after taking a gander at the Garfiled Goose dress she wore. And Randy Newman sang a duet with the before-mentioned Miss Hoffs, who looked absolutely stunning. Newman himself was a different story. Judging by his increasing size, one could only assume that after every OscarÆ performance and loss, he eats his singing partner.

But why worry about who wins and who doesnít? If you really think an Academy AwardÆ is the true way of measuring quality, take a look back at previous winners and losers and think again. Rocky was named Best Picture but Raging Bull wasnít. The former delivering its knockout punch against Taxi Driver and the latter taking a dive against Ordinary People. Steven Spielbergís Raiders of the Lost Ark, E.T. and Saving Private Ryan lost out to Chariots of Fire, Gandhi and Shakespeare in Love respectively. And donít even get me started on the snubbing of Orson Welles and Citizen Kane.

But if thatís not enough to convince you the Academy AwardsÆ donít always get it right, remember that Al Pacino didnít win an OscarÆ for his Attica rant in Dog Day Afternoon or his kiss-off of Fredo in The Godfather Part II. Instead he got it for going "Hoo-ha" in Scent of a Woman.  Hmm...maybe Bob Hope should have played The Paleface as a blind cowardly dentist.