"I Ainít Got Time For No Jibber-Jabber!"

Put down that bottle of Viagra, Frank, and check out the picture of your wife in TV Guide instead. Yeah, thatís Kathy Lee Gifford down on her knees lookiní slutty and getting ready to bark like a dog. Maybe someone should tell her the dress sheís got on is shorter than her husbandís attention span. Or that the only singing mother of two who can pull off that look and get away with it is Madonna. Please, Kathy Lee, put something on before you catch cold and lose your singing voice. No wait, scratch that last suggestion. What the heck. At least it gives Cody and Cassidy something to take to school for show and tell.

So Bob Newhart has signed on to star in a sitcom with Americaís #1 thong stylist, Sisqo. Man, that sure makes Larry and the two Darryls look normal in comparison. And I canít wait for the episode where Bob and Sisqo discover theyíre both dating the same woman!

Bill Clintonís 2001 European tour is underway and already itís being hailed as the most successful road show by an ex-president since Gerald Fordís "Golf Balls Across The Noggin Tour" back in 1978. Highlights include a giant floating cigar, a twenty minute sax tribute to Boots Randolph and the obligatory duet with Tina Turner. If all goes well, the tour should hit U.S. stadiums sometime late summer, although a possible co-headling deal with Jimmy Buffett fell through at the last moment. (Clinton thought Buffettís rowdy behavior at a recent NBA game might tarnish his image and hurt ticket sales.)

Movie-Mistakes.com has tallied up the continuity errors and boo-boos in this yearís Academy AwardÆ nominated films and the winner is Gladiator with 121. Some of itís just nit-picking, for sure. Like pointing out that horses didnít wear saddles back then (a fashion faux pas) and questioning why leaflets were handed out in one scene even though the mimeograph machine hadnít been invented yet. But when the emperor is listening to The White Album and it goes from "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" right into "Yer Blues," which is on a totally different side - now thatís unforgivable.

Record producer and singer Puffy "Puff Daddy" Combs was found not guilty on weapons and bribery charges by a New York jury and is free to walk among us and still wear white after labor day. Requesting to keep their identities a secret, several jurors said afterwards they would have been willing to convict Combs on a more serious charge of making crappy music, but they werenít given that option by the judge.

Hey, Mr. T is back and I pity the fool that thought he was dead or dying. Two new commercials feature the T-man and both take full advantage of his wide range of acting emotions (pissed off, really pissed off, really really pissed off, and playful). Mr. T (real name Mister Tee) plays the father figure in the new Sizzle and Stir spot, costarring alongside fellow celebrity freaks Loni Anderson, George Hamilton and Mary Lou Retton. Heís also the latest loud mouth to badger people into dialing 1-800-whatever when they make their long distance phone calls. Yeah, thatís a clever promotional campaign. Better do what this maniac says or heíll  bust down your door and beat you up. 

Tiki Barber signed a new contract with the New York Football Giants last week. This isnít all that important to LakinLand readers. It just gives me another chance to say the name Tiki Barber.

In other NFL news, Troy Aikman was released by the Dallas Cowboys and is free to sign with any team that wants him. Aikman says the numerous concussions he suffered while a member of Americaís Team shouldnít be a factor in his playing ability next season. However, the fact he made that statement in Pig Latin while blowing through a kazoo might cause the rest of the league to think twice before offering him a lucrative contract.

What do you do after youíve won the Super Bowl? If youíre the Baltimore Ravens (and I doubt that you are), you replace your quarterback. Yeah, remember all those great human interest stories about how Trent Dilfer took advantage of his second chance and won the big game in the same city where they once ran him out of town? Well, the Ravens won the big game all right, but apparently they didnít think it had a whole lot to do with Dilfer. Why else would they sign up Elvis Grbac, a roustabout QB whoís put his hands under more male rear ends than Elton John and Boy George combined. Donít color me surprised over this move. I always knew Dilfer was no Joe Kapp.

Is there any truth to the rumors that Michael Jordan will return to the NBA as a player next season and suit up for his Washington Wizards? Now, I loved watching Michael win six championships with the Bulls and thatís the main reason I hope this rumor wonít become a reality. The great ones should leave at their peak and never return to taint the memories we have of them. And if Michael wonít listen to me, maybe someone should show him a few episodes of Life With Lucy.

And finally, there is some joy in LakinLand this week thanks to the release of three really cool DVDs. Thereís Reel Life, a film by Albert Brooks and one of the funniest movies ever made; All You Need Is Cash, the story of The Rutles and the legend of their trousers that would last a lunch time; and Almost Famous, a movie which I just saw for the first time and immediately put on my All-Time Favorites list. Like High Fidelity it captures the spirit of the music that sucked me up and changed my life forever. Lots of great moments in this film but the two that stick out are Williamís discovery of the albums his sister left under his bed and the "Tiny Dancer" sing-a-long on the bus. Yeah, sometimes life is good.