Hey, kids, thereís a brand new pro football league and this one says itís gonna be different than all those other brand new football leagues that came, saw and went over the years. Vince McMahon, the man who made pro wrestling a national craze, is the proud papa of the XFL (or eXtreme Football League) and heís even got a major network to put his game on TV every Saturday night. Not much of a risk for NBC since they lost the rights to show real pro football games and canít come up with anything better than Dag or The Webber Show. This could be fun, right?

Wrong. So far, at least. Considering they had a lot of time to put this thing together youíd think the presentation would have been a bit more, well, presentable. But what can you expect from players who arenít good enough to make it into the NFL that are being coached by guys who look like theyíve got nothing better to do. Ron Meyer wore out his welcome in the real deal and now heís pacing the sidelines for a Chicago team that has a clenched fist as itís logo, which is only slightly better than the really mad Hanna-Barbera inspired red guy on the helmets of the team they played against. And whatís up with the coach for the New York / New Jersey / Newfoundland Enforcers? His inspirational "uh, whoís this?" half-time chalkboard session was way funnier than anything on Must See TVís twenty minute mini-version of Saturday Night Live on Thursday night. (The players just sat there dumbfounded, probably wondering when someone was gonna start handing out the pay checks.) And if this league is supposed to be so tough, howís come two of the head coaches are named Kippy and Skipper?

And maybe itís time for everybody to get off Dennis Millerís cloud for a few seconds and try to figure out the insanity behind making Jesse "The Babbler" Ventura a color commentator for the XFL. Yeah, itís obvious. This league is being run like a carnival and to bring people in it doesnít hurt to have a good freak show barker. And itís an added bonus when that freak show barker is a mega celebrity who draws attention like the bloody wreckage of a car accident on a busy highway. Imagine sitting home watching the telecast in the state of Minnesota and thinking to yourself, "Thatís our governor." Yeah, the gopher state should be real proud right now.

What could be worse than Ventura behind the mike? How about the leagueís B-team of broadcasters: WWF commentators Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. Immediately the question "how low can you go?" springs to mind. Yeah, Ross telling the viewers at home that their watching a real slobber knocker (or is that one word?) and Lawler verbally lusting over the cheerleaders. Thatís entertainment.

And how about them XFL cheerleaders! Or as I like to call them, the Uncoordinated Sluts. Did any of them even meet each other before the game? I mean, there they were on the sidelines, wiggling their bodies around out of sync and just looking downright nasty. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are sexy because theyíre presented as the girls next door if the girls next door happened to be hot mamas jumping up and down in revealing little cowgirl outfits. The XFL Sluts just look like a bunch of whacked out porn star whores.

Okay, so that just leaves us with the game. There were some exciting plays and and a few monster hits (which always sound more ferocious when the players are wired for sound), but with Ventura running his mouth it was hard to really enjoy anything really worth enjoying. And I like the idea of letting the players put whatever they want on the back on their jerseys. Who knows, someday saying "He Hate Me" might almost be as much fun as saying Tiki Barber. (But I doubt it.)

Oh well, maybe the XFL will make some changes (like new announcers) and it will get better. Maybe theyíll tell the players and coaches that when a guy shoves a microphone in their faces on the sidelines theyíre supposed to say something or at the very least punch the obtrusive bastard. If nothing else, it has managed to change one thing. My Two Dads is no longer the most embarrassing thing Dick Butkus has ever done.