SIDE A (Play Loud)

When I made the switch from vinyl to compact disc, I told myself I wasnít gonna collect CDs the way I did albums and would only re-buy the essential titles. Ha! Before I knew what was happening I actually wound up with more CDs than albums and my collecting actually got worse. After all, these indestructible digital dowackies were the ultimate audio experience and Iíd never have to replace another copy of any album as long as I lived. Double Ha! Thatís before I found out those perfect sounding shiny discs could be improved when the record companies applied a revolutionary new process called "getting their shit together" and started carefully remastering CDs from the original tapes using the latest technology. Cut to me standing at the counter of a music store buying the original version of Quadrophenia for the fourth damn time. (LP, regular CD, Mobile Fidelity gold disc, and the remastered version preferred by Pete Townshend.) But it was worth it, right? In my hands I held the absolute very best copy of a great album Iíd never ever have to buy again. "Wrong, 24-bit breath." (And triple Ha!) The latest thing to pop up on the market is Audio DVDs. Yikes! Iíll have to wait and see where this is headed, but no way I have it in me to start the replacement process all over again. With God as my witness, if Audio DVDs replace CDs, I shall never collect prerecorded music again!!

Speaking of collecting, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is doing just that by adding another round of inductees this year. New honorees will include Aerosmith, Queen, Soloman Burke, The Flamingos and Steely Dull. Michael Jackson and Paul Simon are being honored again, this time for their solo achievements. (In Simonís case, wouldnít it have been cheaper just to kick Garfunkel out?) And Ritchie Valens gets the nod for recording "La Bamba" and dying in a plane crash with Buddy Holly. (Can the Big Bopper and the pilot be far behind?) Probably the most deserving newest members will be legendary sidemen Johnnie Johnson and James Burton. Johnson was Chuck Berryís piano player before Chuck went to the pick up band system and James Burton laid down guitar licks for such rock luminaries as Rick Nelson and two guys named Elvis (Presley and Costello). Now just get me Duck Dunn on bass and Jim Keltner on drums and I think Iíve got me a band to take on the road!

VH-1 is the latest music preservation society to come up with a list of the 100 Greatest Albums of Rock and Roll. Unlike others who have tried this, the old folksí music network has kept things in perspective and not cluttered their honor roll with some undeserving contemporary efforts. (Well, besides the misguided inclusion of Lauryn Hillís miseducation at #37.) Nope, this somewhat predictable list may not be perfect but at least they had the good sense to place Revolver by The Beatles at the top of the heap. Yeah, I could quibble with some of the positioning (no Stones in the Top 10!) and gripe about the omissions (no Monkees at all!), but instead I think itís time for me to start working on the ultimate LakinLand list of top albums. Then the issue will be settled and we can all have pie.

Do my eyes deceive me? I turn on TV in the morning and thereís Katie Couric showing some cleavage on The Today Show - and itís not even sweeps month. Whatís next? Thong Day on The View?

Looks like the honeymoon is over for the world champion Los Angeles Lakers. After taking the NBA title last year, basketball superstars Shaquille OíNeal and Kobe Bryant are bickering over who should be the focal point of the teamís offense. (Shaq thinks it should be Shaq and Kobe thinks it should be Kobe.) There hasnít been this much public display of selfishness in Laker Land since the big Dyan Cannon-Jack Nicholson feud over who should get the coveted final close-up at the end of the obligatory celebrity montage during nationally televised games.

SIDE B (Play Louder)

Did you hear the one about the thirteen year old boy who beat to death a six year old girl and his defense strategy is to blame it on his infatuation with pro wrestling? Poor little guy. He was only playing. And now he has to live with this the rest of his life, perhaps in a place where cage matches are part of the daily routine. Yeah, itís the TVís fault. Blame it on society. Murder or manslaughter? Maybe we need a law to protect us from massive stupidity. (And do the words"adult supervision" mean anything to anyone anymore?)

And while weíre on the subject of accountability and why the word may soon be removed from the dictionary... Rev. Jesse Jackson has admitted he fathered a child out of wedlock. Hey whatís the big deal? Just because he preaches the teachings of the bible from the pulpit, it doesnít mean heís got to follow them. Besides, thatís the great loophole of Christianity. You can do whatever you want as long as you get around to asking God for forgiveness before you bite the big one. Yup, Jesse made a mistake. Just like Bill, who has apologized for being "evasive and misleading" when answering questions about doing naughty stuff with Monica. Heck, former president Jimmy Carter only lusted in his heart and you remember the flak he got for that. Let's give the guy credit for controlling his urges and doing the right thing. Because isnít that what being civilized is all about?  Being able to do the right thing even when the wrong thing is a lot more fun? Maybe Iím wrong. Maybe we should just get one giant fishbowl, toss our car keys in it and let the swappiní begin!

Then again, now that we have a republican in the White House, maybe we can rest better knowing the president will be too busy raping the land to take part in any horseplay in the oval office. Ah, morality! But at what cost? Perhaps Iím the one whose sense of reality has been warped by watching too much professional wrestling. All politicians claim to be the good guys but I canít help thinking theyíre just setting us up for the old salt in the eyes trick. Bush is up to no good all right. And I think that Cheney guy is hiding a foreign object in his trunks.