Imagine my surprise when I woke up New Yearís Day and found out my underpants werenít Y2K compatible!

Nope, the world didnít end, there wasnít computer chaos and it was business as usual after the clock struck twelve and the year 2000 began. A big sigh of relief was released, but this was months before we knew anything about The Michael Richards Show.

In between an onslaught of ads for Budweiser and various new dot com hopefuls, the St. Louis Rams defeated the Tennessee Titans 23-16 in Super Bowl XXXIV. The gameís outcome wasnít decided until the very last play when the Titans came up a yard short of the goal line as time ran out. Two evenly matched teams but the Rams had the one intangible that motivated them to win: Victory hugs from owner Georgia Frontiere!

Quarterback Steve Young assured everyone that he is physically fit enough to return to pro football and feels no lingering after effects from the concussion that sidelined him this past season. Then he proceeded to explain how tiny mice from outer space called most of the plays during the 49ers last Super Bowl Victory.

In a Rolling Stone magazine interview, former junkie David Crosby was revealed as the natural father of Melissa Etherdigeís children. It could have been worse. What if she and her life partner chose mala prop comedian Norm Crosby to be the dad? Then the confused youngsters would go through life wondering why everyone was making a fuss over their two mommies being librarians.

Film critic Rex Reed was arrested for allegedly shoplifting three compact discs from a Tower Records store in New York. Iím not so sure heís a cheap bastard or kleptomaniac. I just think he likes the strip searches.

In the battle of the belly buttons at the Grammy Awards, Christina Aquilera beat out Britney Spears as Best New Artist. To show there were no hard feelings, afterwards the two of them went out and had dinner with Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

And how about that dress Jennifer Lopez was wearing? One thing's for sure, unlike her boyfriend Puff Daddy, she'll never get arrested for carrying a concealed weapon.

Listen up. You may be an heir to the Screaminí Jay Hawkins estate. The recently deceased rock singer may have left behind 57 children, some of them not knowing who or how famous their father was. A-parent-ly after Jay put his spell on someone, he forgot to put on something else.

American Beauty was the big winner at the annual Academy Awards marathon. Best Picture, Best Director and a deserving Best Actor prize for Kevin Spacey. Annette Bening didnít win for Best Actress, but hubby Warren Beatty received the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award, presented to someone whoís contributed a lot to the motion picture industry and no longer has a shot at getting an Oscar the legit way. I donít want to demean this award, but already thereís a buzz that next yearís posthumous honoree will be the guy who played Eric von Zipper in the Beach Party movies.

I donít know why, but somehow I have become more sentimental over the years and find myself affected by things that should mean nothing to me. For example, is there really any logical reason for me to curl up on my bed in the middle of the afternoon and weep over the closing of Cats on Broadway?

Thankfully, some things are right in this topsy-turvy world. Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford saved their marriage and they did it by having plenty of sex. I guess this just proves the theory that if the Giffer was gettiní it at home, there wouldnít have been a problem in the first place.

Britney Spears is in heat! The cover photo for her sophomore album reveals a much more mature version of the sweet pop princess who graced the front of her first release, Baby One More Time. Yes, this girl is a woman now and she's serving notice that she and her belly button mean business the second time around. Need further proof that Britney is serious about replacing Mariah Carey as America's favorite pop tart? The new album's called Oops! ...I Did It Again, which I believe is a reference to multiple orgasms.

According to one of the tabloids, George W. Bush's presidential campaign was being backed by an alien from another planet. This raised an interesting dilemma: Do we vote Bush Junior into the White House and allow him to become a puppet ruler for those bug-eyed bastards from another galaxy? Or do we elect Al Gore and risk the chance of a horrific retaliation from the aliens? (Not to mention the horrific reality of having Al Gore as president.)

The Taking of Elian - One, Two, Three. Everyone could relax finally. Like Peaches & Herb, Elian the Little Cuban Boy and his father had been reunited and it felt so good, but I would be remiss if I didn't throw in my two cents on how it all came down. (I mean, did they really give much thought to the idea of a Truth or Consequences type reunion hosted by Bob Barker?) Yes, once again we have shown that Americans know how to use force when absolutely necessary. Sure there are some cynics who think that sending armed federal agents after a little tike who was expecting the Easter Bunny may have been a tad excessive, but there were reports that Elian was packing a sidearm. He was, but fortunately for all involved it was loaded with caps.

Celine Dione, the diva deluxe who put her career on hold at the beginning of the year to focus on her personal life, was tickled pregnancy test pink when she found out she was gonna have a baby! Yes, she got pregnant all right and apparently this was nothing short of a miracle since she had been trying to get the bun in the oven for quite some time. Maybe getting away from the stressful life of being a world class celebrity helped in bringing about this joyous change of luck. Or could it just be God's way of saying, "Thanks for not singing."

Okay, ABC decided to shake things up in the Monday Night Football booth by adding wise ass Dennis Miller to the announcing team. Fans and critics immediately voiced their outrage over the choice, causing ABC to consider a promotional campaign based on the slogan, "Hey, at least heís not Dan Dierdorf!"

"Someday we'll be together," Diana Ross & the Supremes once sang, but in the words of John Fogerty, "Someday never comes." Yes, the big reunion tour was stopped in the name of poor ticket sales, so nobody got the chace to come see about this Happening. Apparently, people just couldn't get excited over the prospect of a couple of latter day Supremes singing those "baby baby's" in place of the original ones. Hell, that would be liking paying money to see a Beach Boys concert without any of the Wilson brothers. Or a Bachman-Turner Overdrive show without any Overdrive.

Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe - whatís up with that? They did a picture together and then they did each other. Left holding a broken heart is Ryanís hubby Dennis Quaid, whoís no longer talking about one of his movies when he refers to "The Big Easy."

I finally got around to watching an episode of Survivor. Geeze, a bunch of back stabbing, two-faced, selfish liars thrown together and getting voted off one by one until only two remain and then everyone gets to vote on who wins the big prize. Wait a minute, that wasnít Survivor  I was watching. It was a documentary on the presidential primaries.

Almost immediately after being released from prison, actor Robert Downey, Jr. was given a recurring role on Ally McBeal. Hey, hasnít he paid his debt to society all ready?

It looks like Anne Heche is the front runner to win this year's Margot Kidder Award. Dressed in a bra and shorts, the famous lesbian actress wandered up to a stranger's house and was hospitalized after informing a deputy she was God and she was going to take everyone to heaven on a spaceship. I wonder if that's the same line she used on Ellen DeGeneres just before they broke up.

Former Republican Pat Buchanan hijacked the Reform Party nomination so he could get 12.6 million dollars in federal funds to use for his presidential campaign. Hope he also asked for a parachute.

So Mr. Coach Bob Knight got fired over his stupid little "They Call Me Mister Tibbs!" tirade. Hey, he was just trying to teach the kid a little manners. Yeah, Bob Knight teaching manners is like a nymphomaniac trying to teach celibacy. Oh well, maybe The General should have taken that job as an assistant coach with the Indiana Pacers and used his powers for good by slapping around head coach Isiah Thomas.

I have seen the future of rock & roll and itís midgets! At least thatís the feeling I got after watching about half of MTVís Video Music Awards. Man, if a bomb had gone off at Radio City Music Hall during the filming of the show, just think of the severe crap shortage weíd be facing right now.

Yankees vs. Mets. The Subway Series! Worst TV ratings for a World Series ever. And that includes the year they didnít have one due to the strike. Maybe they should dip back into the past and revive NBCís old ërevolving seriesí concept (remember The Bold Ones?). They could take the World Series, the Olympics and the WNBA and rotate them weekly under the banner of Wide World of Sports Nobody Cares About.

Fearing that he might lose out on the ëDumbass of the Yearí award, Robert Downey, Jr., got himself arrested one more time for good measure. This time police Mirandized the actor after finding some cocaine and a Wonder Woman costume in his hotel room. Legal experts think Downey may beat the drug rap, but only if he pleads guilty on the lesser charge of illegal possession of a super hero outfit.

Alex Rodriguez signed a hefty $252 contract to play baseball for the Texas Rangers. Heís making so much money now that the only tab he canít pick up is the one for a presidential election campaign. (But does he really wanna play in a state where he might face execution for booting a routine grounder in a key play-off game?)

And speaking of presidential election campaigns, I think this yearís proves the instant replay system doesnít work. Count. Recount. Donít count. Doesnít count. And we still wind up with a guy who smirks in the White House. And Bush saying heís gonna name Democrats to his cabinet. Isnít that a lot like Ben Cartwright leaving a big chunk of the Poderosa to Festus?  My final impartial opinion? Al Gore got screwed all right but Florida never should have been an isssue. You donít blame the loss on a bad call in overtime after muffing numerous opportunities in regulation. The sitting V.P. shouldíve suited up Bubba, slapped a ëparental advisoryí sticker on his helmet and used him to open holes up the middle the way Walt Garrison did for Calvin Hill back in the glory days of the Dallas Cowboys. Yeah, that sounded a little too much like a Dennis Miller rant. Sorry. Get out the blow dryer, the partyís over.