Good results but the timing really sucked. Six days before the 60th anniversary of John Lennonís birth, the fat loser who shot him squirmed his way back into the limelight. Fortunately, parole was denied for "the man whose name we shall never mention." Boo-fucking-hoo. Maybe he forgot to tell the parole board about the dream he had where Yoko gave him a big warm hug of forgiveness. What a twisted evil sick bastard. How do you sleep?

And shame on Larry King for rerunning an old show featuring an interview with the sinister turd. We donít need to hear what he has to say - then, now or ever! His fifteen minutes of fame ended long ago and thereís no reason to help him milk it for any more notoriety. And while weíre on the subject, thereís also no need for Geraldo to look up Crazy Charlie Manson for another fireside chat about his misinterpretation of the lyrics on The While Album.

Yeah, if youíre crazy and you know it, go out and murder a celebrity. You donít need talent to become famous if youíre a scumbag with a loaded weapon. And thereís always some ratings hungry asshole willing to shove a microphone in the face of a cold blooded killer, especially if itís during sweeps. Man, imagine the share 20/20 could get if Hitler were still alive and he agreed to go one-on-one with Hugh Downs! (And Iím referring to an interview, although a game of hoops would be more entertaining.)

And yes, this column has already devoted too much time to the lunatic contingent and needs to move on to the rest of the wacky world.

"Whatever gets you through the night"

Paula Jones will pose nude for Penthouse. It will be the first issue where the fold out also folds up...into a barf bag. All attempts to get Monica Lewinsky to appear in a similar spread failed when she found out that posing topless meant sheíd have to take off more than just her beret.

For those of you keeping score at home, Meg Ryan is back in the arms of home wrecker Russell Crowe. This means, of course, that the reconciliation with hubby Dennis Quaid didnít take and another Hollywood marriage has gone the way of the Titanic. Apparently, there are some men who find it hard to love a woman after sheís had another manís penis inside her. Pity.

Yes, the Summer Olympics are finally over and we beat the crap out of everybody now that the Soviet powers have been toppled and our system of paying for gold goes pretty much unchallenged. (Seriously, do you think any other country has an "official Olympic candy bar"?)  A quick recap: The Dream Team almost became a nightmare, the womenís softball team won the gold despite a three game losing streak (hooray for mediocrity!) and a cute little foreign gymnast was stripped of her medal because she took some cough syrup. In a related story, the Winter Olympics committee has just added a new drug to the list of banned narcotics: Flintstones chewable vitamins - but only the Barneys and the Dinos.

"Just gimme some truth"

Man, them presidential debates is some good television. Iím especially pleased they chose the "make it up as you go along" format for the first one. It really gives the candidates a chance to see how much they can get away with before they get into the White House. Good practice, you might say. And watch out when they start using that "fuzzy math"! Itís just a prelude to the real show stopper: "fraudulent fractions"!!

And letís not forget the war or words between those zany running mates, or as I like to call it, "fun with Dick & Jew." When those two guys get together, nail down the furniture! Okay, so theyíre not a couple of wild and crazy guys, but if you want a vice president who isnít boring, you wind up with someone like Spiro Agnew, so donít quibble. On the other hand, you could make the debate a bit more entertaining by having it moderated by Charo.

Oh, and before I get any e-mail accusing me of being anti-Semitic, itís the Democrats themselves that first made a big deal about their vice presidential candidate being Jewish. In fact, Iím kinda surprised they didnít produce some bumper stickers that said, "Al Gore - He Picked A Jew." Then again, Iím also surprised the Republicans didnít come up with those as well.

"A Working Class Hero Is Something To Be"

Imagine John Lennon at age 60. What a cool old guy heíd be. October 9th is the day we should take time to remember the man and his music, not that other infamous day that seems to trigger a lot of Lennon related news stories. On the other hand, remembering Dr. Winston OíBoogie any day of the year is okay by me. It isnít hard to do considering he left us so much to remember him by. Play the music. He made plenty for everybody.