So Mr. Coach Bob Knight got fired over his stupid little "They Call Me Mister Tibbs!" tirade. Hey, he was just trying to teach the kid a little manners. Yeah, Bob Knight teaching manners is like a nymphomaniac trying to teach celibacy. Oh well, maybe The General can take that job as an assistant coach with the Indiana Pacers and use his powers for good by slapping around head coach Isiah Thomas.

I have seen the future of rock & roll and itís midgets! At least thatís the feeling I got after watching about half of MTVís Video Music Awards. Man, if a bomb had gone off at Radio City Music Hall during the filming of the show, just think of the severe crap shortage weíd be facing right now.

Speaking of rock and roll, remember when the performers used to play instruments? Yeah, I know thatís a big shot of old dudeness being fired out of the cranky cannon but I just had to let it rip. Back in my day, the choreographed moves were left to professionals like the Hullabaloo Dancers and yes, there was lip synching during TV appearances, but not in concert or on the actual albums.

And remember when you could buy a new album and still get change back from a twenty? Still can. Just barely (depending on your state sales tax). And not for long. $18.99 list price on new CDs. Ouch!  Right now Iím having a flashback to 1965 where a young butch headed version of myself can be seen standing in the record section of the Wonderland department store in Niles, Michigan, staring at the big orange $2.98 sale sticker on the Introducing Hermanís Hermits album and mentally preparing the "I just gotta have it speech" to use on my Mom when she comes to fetch me just before heading to the check-out line.

But Iím just getting nostalgic, I guess. Thinking back to the days when music was music, prices werenít so outrageous and a college basketball coach could smack one of his players upside the head without causing a major brouhaha. Ha ha.

Of course, not everything stinks as bad as the premise for a new ABC sitcom. (Geena Davis as a Mom? Didnít anybody see her wearing that nipple revealing dress on the Emmy Awards?) There are new DVDs of This is Spinal Tap and High Fidelity, two of the funniest rock and roll inspired movies of all time. Plus thereís a snazzy new Jimi Hendrix Experience box set that just came out and Iím still swooning over the three disc bonanza of The Monkeesí Headquaters Sessions. (And strangely enough, there is a connection between the two because Hendrix actually opened for The Monkees until promoters asked him to tone down his act for the teenybopper crowd by changing the lyrics of "Hey Joe" to "I hear you made your woman go stay at her motherís.) Lastly, thereís the icing on the cake - a nice cowgirl theme cover shot and photo spread of Carmen Electra in the October issue of FHM. To make a long story short, letís just say the former Mrs. Rodman looks very good in chaps. Yes, there are some things that make life worth living. Now if I just had a life!

A total non sequitur that I was reminded of when thinking about Geena Davisí nipples at the Emmy Awards. Who the hell gave Jack Lemmon the "hurry up, please" signal? Jack Fuckiní Lemmon, okay?! Thatís when we needed Mr. Coach Knight around to take the floor director by the arm and lecture him on manners.

Okay, so I mentioned Geena Davisí nipples twice, Carmen Electra looking hot in chaps once and compared Bob Knight to a nymphomaniac. But I can make about a hundred and thirty four more sexual references and still fall way short of the number spouted on just the first hour of the Emmy telecast. Maybe Iím exaggerating, but did we really need to hear Ray Romano (who I like) make lame jokes about tongue kissing with his co-star (and Emmy winner) Patricia Heaton, whose kids were probably home watching and will want to know what he meant?

Actually, it just occurred to me that I shouldnít worry about apologizing to the readers of this column for making smutty sexual comments. After all, doesnít it all balance out when I also toss in hard words like "non sequitur" and "brouhaha"?

More controversy at the Vatican. Pope John Paul II has raised a few eyebrows with the beatification of Pope Pius IX, who many feel displayed a generous amount of anti-Semitic behavior during his tenure under the big white silly pontiff hat. Pope JP-2 defended the choice by saying weíre all human and make mistakes. Which means, in a nutshell, you donít to be a saint to be a Saint.

Jack Nicholson and Lara Flynn Boyle have decided to call it "quits." And no, I donít mean they had a baby and gave it a funny name. Theyíve decided to stop hanging out together and having sex. Sources close to the couple say the sudden breakup has something to do with Nicholsonís fear of commitment and Boyleís realization that Jack is a really old wacky dude.

Comedienne Ellen DeGeneres and actress Anne Heche, who recently ended one of Americaís most celebrated lesbian relationships, have put their lesbian palace up for sale. Prospective buyers are being told not to worry about the big backyard landing pad for flying saucers, as it can easily be converted into something more practical like a softball diamond or a place to put a lot of trampolines.

The Summer Olympics have just got underway and already thereís a big stink coming from the land down under. (And by the way, just think how much fun Iím gonna have during the games making jokes with the phrase "down under"!) It seems that Australia's most popular celebrity, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, refused to carry the Olympic torch into the stadium and light the big Olympic flame at the opening ceremonies. Apparently Skippy (or Mister Skippy to all you Bob Knight fans) is still bitter over the way he was treated after his hit TV series got canceled. Typecast as a lovable yet mischievous marsupial, he was unable to obtain additional acting jobs and eventually had to make ends meet by boxing other former kangaroo actors at carnivals and supermarket openings. His big chance at a comeback almost came when he was up for the part of Barbara Streisandís lover in the remake of A Star Is Born, but studio executives were fearful he wouldnít be able to trim down his out of shape pouch before shooting began and he was passed over for Kris Kristofferson. Skippy himself lives in seclusion now and refuses any contact with reporters, but his story will soon be told in a major motion picture penned by the biopic screenwriting team of Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski.

And finally, Iíd like to end this edition of F&R by inviting Mr. Coach Bob Knight to come to LakinLand and mentor me. I would love to have him sit next to me at my computer and help me find the right words to rant about what a frigginí mess the world has become and how weíve all gone to heck in a handbag. Together we could teach respect, discipline and ethics to our readers and show them that there is no "I" in team, but if you look really hard you can find a big "ME" in Bob Knight.