So it's Saturday night and I'm alone in my apartment writing this edition of F&R and listening to Three Dog Night on compact disc. But don't cry for me, Argentina. It's not like you invited me over for an evening of pleasant conversation and cucumber sandwiches. No sir, I don't need your pity, Virgil Tibbs. Well, maybe a little bit over my choice of listening music. Hard to believe these guys were once The Three Tenors of their time.

Okay, so what made me select a Three Dog Night anthology from my massive selection of prerecorded music? It's not like it's a convenient pick, considering I had to move a stack of Sniglet books to get to it. (Sniglets - words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should.) Maybe I'm feeling a tad nostalgic.

After all, my birthday was last month. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand. Lots of other things on your mind. Like planning your summer vacation, rearranging your sock drawer in alphabetical order by color and trying to figure out who'll be the next lazy ass to get voted off the island on Survivor. No, really...don't think twice, it's all right. Even the slightest acknowledgement that my birth into this world was even remotely significant would have just embarrassed me. Honest. (Dramatic pause.) Maybe I should change the music selection.

Could you hear the sound of all those teen hearts breaking when Britney Spears accepted Justin Timberlake's marriage proposal? I wonder how many 'N Sync fans were worried that Britney might pull a Yoko and break up the country's number one (at the moment) boy band. I don't think the Stridex crowd could handle that much upheaval, do you? And would Christine Aguilera have to counter by marrying two Backstreet Boys? Ooops, false alarm. According to an inside source, the pop princess is not engaged to anybody and she still has her heart set on having a go at that sexy Prince William. (Please insert your own joke about getting a private viewing of the family jewels here.)

Hey, it looks like the Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire groom will finally get to see his bride naked. Unfortunately, it will be in a photo spread for Playboy. Yeah, Debra Conger in the buff. Don't feel too bad, Mr. Multi-Millionaire guy. I don't think the honeymoon would've included air brushing.

Darn it. Missed my class reunion last week. Well, I didn't miss it. I just didn't go. No big deal. I was just afraid I'd enter the room and some guys from my old gym class would turn me upside down and give me a snuggy. Ah, good times. Anyways, who needs to go back to the scene of the crime just to show off what a hunky stud I've become? (Burp!) Or brag about my critically acclaimed stint as Snooky the Plumber on one of the many failed McLean Stevenson sitcoms? (Hey, who's gonna know better?) The past is the past. Besides, if memories were all I sang, I'd rather drive a truck. But as long as we're on the subject or reunions and segues...

"Someday we'll be together," Diana Ross & the Supremes once sang, but in the words of John Fogerty, "Someday never comes." Yes, the big reunion tour has been stopped in the name of poor ticket sales, so nobody's gonna get the chance to come see about this Happening. Apparently, people just couldn't get excited over the prospect of a couple of latter day Supremes singing those "baby baby's" in place of the original ones. Hell, that would be like paying money to see a Beach Boys concert without any of the Wilson brothers. (Or a Bachman-Turner Overdrive show without any Overdrive.)

In happier reunion news, the Spice Girls are pushing aside their lucrative solo careers and joining forces for a new album expected out in November. Actually, it's not a all-out reunion. Geri Halliwell (Shemp Spice) won't be back in the fold. I guess she's still pissed off that one of the other Spices used her hair brush or something. Oh well, we'll just have to make do with a little less Girl Power.

Is it that time of the month or what? The Go-Go's, that happy-go-lucky girl group of the New Wave era, have announced that they too have kissed and made up, which means they've got the beat again and plan to tour and put out a new album. And guess what? The Bangles are recording new music and going back on the road, too! Sounds groovy, but with all these chick bands getting back together, how long will it be before we're confronted by a full-fledged reunion of The Shaggs?!

Crowds of kids (and their parents) lined up outside book stores at midnight to buy the new Harry Potter book. Huh? Kids waiting in line for a book? What's the world coming to? Next thing you'll know, the streets will be infested with uncontrollable preteen math gangs. (And who the hell put Three Dog Night back in the CD player?)

I can't believe it's been a whole year since John F. Kennedy, Jr. died in a plane crash and yet we've all managed to cope somehow. The birds still sing, the sun still shines and people are still wasting lifelines on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Time does not stand still. Sigh.

By the way, after an entire year of investigation, it has been determined that John John's tragic plane crash was caused by poor flying conditions and Kennedy's inexperience as a pilot. (And that charisma was not a contributing factor.) Yes, pretty much what they thought immediately after the crash, but it's always more reassuring when a shitload of money is spent to confirm it.

More sad farewells to close out this edition of F&R. First, there was the passing of Walter Matthau, an actor who gave us many memorable performances and was so unique that there is no one else you can compare him to. He won an Oscar for The Fortune Cookie and will always be remembered for such films as The Odd Couple and The Bad News Bears, but my personal favorite Matthau character is the old vaudevillian in The Sunshine Boys. Just plain laugh out loud funny. "Enterrrr!"

This month also saw the passing of actress Meredith MacRae, who starred as Billie Jo Bradley on the 60's sitcom Petticoat Junction and also played the girlfriend and eventual bride of the oldest Douglas boy on My Three Sons. She was a celebrity who found herself involved in many of those "good causes" and did what she could to make this planet a better place in which to live. And from what I've read about her, she seemed like a very nice person.

And let's also take time to remember Cub Koda, who first broke into the limelight as a member of Brownsville Station back in the seventies. He sang the lead on their big stinkin' hit "Smokin' in the Boys Room" before the group drifted off into rock and roll oblivion, but Koda never severed his connection with the music he had a love and passion for. He became a rock and roll journalist/historian who wrote a column for Goldmine Magazine and was often called upon to provide liner notes for CD reissues. Above all, he just seemed like the kind of guy who liked to sit around and play records.

Sorry, it hasn't been a very happy shiny month in LakinLand, but I'm not bitter. Like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver, I'm just a little tart. Besides, there's always next month. And there are three words on the cover of the August issue of Talk Magazine that make me feel like there's still hope: Liz Hurley Available. Turn up the volume on the stereo, please.

Fuck and Run- "The Achieves" is right here in case you missed an edition.