Donít Bury Me ëCause Iím Not Dead Yet

Yes, the roaring silence of apathy was so loud you could cut it with a knife. I asked for your support and what did I get? One single e-mail. Thatís right, just one lonely e-mail. The loneliest e-mail that youíll ever do. And how does that make me feel? Like Rufus T. FireFly being snubbed by the ambassador of Sylvania in Duck Soup. Think if it. I hold out my hand and you refuse to accept it! Me, the co-creator of this web site and thatís the kind of treatment I get. Why, if I had an ounce of self respect, Iíd pack up my sarcasm and sell this space to the developers who want to turn it into a shopping mall. But fortunately, I never let self respect get in the way of my decision making process (ask any of the women Iíve dated) and I will continue to stand atop my imaginary mountain and shout my opinions until the metaphorical cows come figuratively home.

I must admit it took some nudging to get me up from the comfort of my couch and back to the grind of cranking out the truth. And that nudging came in the form of four terrifying words and two exclamation points: Celine Dion is back!!

Yes, she did us all a big favor by taking some time off to be with her family and now sheís decided to fan the flames of hell by returning to the public spotlight and releasing a brand new album of audio poop. You may have seen it in the stores. Itís the one where sheís seductively groping an innocent tree. And, in case you slipped into a coma and missed the promotional onslaught, sheís already had a network television special to trumpet her return to the limelight. As the old saying goes, you donít know what you got until you lose it. And you donít truly appreciate that loss until it comes back to rear its ugly head.

Speaking of ugly heads, Jay Lenoís graced the cover of TV Guide this week, which explains the horrific screams coming from the check out counters of supermarkets all across America. Poor Jay, heís got the number one rated late night talk show but still the critics donít show him any respect. Yeah, all that ass kissing, back stabbing and selling out hides the fact that Jay is one heck of a nice guy who really deserves to be given his props. Okay, so here goes...

In the TV Guide story, Jabberjaw whines about David Letterman holding a grudge over not getting the gig as host of The Tonight Show, the one job he coveted since he left Indiana and began his career as a standup comic. Well, to me Leno being named Tonight Show host over Letterman is a lot like the vice principal being passed over for the job of high school principal in favor of a substitute teacher. Or like the guy whoís been with the company a long time getting the shaft because the buddy he helped get a job in the mail room leap frogs over him and nabs the big promotion and the spacious corner office that comes with it. And all because the guy with the seniority thought hard work was enough and decided not to show up for the company picnic and office parties.

And remember when Jay Leno used to be edgy and funny? Now heís become boring and accessible. I guess that plays well in Peoria but is it really a case of Jay being in tune with the working man like he claims or just another example of a celebrity doing what he has to do in the best interest of his career? After all, Jay was edgy and funny when thatís what it took to be a regular guest on Late Night with David Letterman and that in turn helped him get the position as permanent guest host of the Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. And then all of a sudden the edginess began to smooth out and viewers got a kinder and gentler Jay Leno, one who now needs a drool bucket to catch the slop that runs down his predominant chin as he fawns over the big name stars who are the real reason for his showís dominance. (New Yorkís home but it ainít theirs no more.)

Yeah, Jayís in tune with the blue collar working man all right. So howís come his act seems phony and Letterman, who has the reputation of being mean and aloof, is the one who really comes off as being real and sincere? And wouldnít Dave be better off if he filled valuable air time by letting the big name stars hang around for another segment instead of handing the spotlight over to old comedy club pals like Jimmie Walker and George Miller? And to think some people actually think that Jay Leno is disproving that old adage that nice guys finish last.

A programming note: TheTV midterm replacement season has snuck up on us and so far things look like theyíre going to get worse before they get better. Greg The Bunny showed promise but turned out to be just another mishandled piece of crap clogging up a time slot on Fox. What a waste of Eugene Levy and hand puppets!

It took me awhile to figure out that First Monday and The Court, two new dramas about the Supreme Court, werenít in fact the same show and by the time I did, one of them already got the ax. (For the record, that would be The Court and, also for the record, that would be the one with Sally Field and not the one with James Garner.)

And where do I even begin with Baby Bob, a concept that sounds so awful I figured there had to be something to it. Well, I was wrong. The baby talks. What else can I say? But at least now thereís a reason for that mournful look on Elliott Gouldís face. And one can only wonder if CBS put this show on as part of their agreement to get David Letterman to stay with the network. In other words, Dave hasnít had such a big fat loser to make fun of since...well, Monica.

Ted Danson in Living With The Dead. Is that a TV movie or did they just rename Becker? And I hear that the big Cheers reunion theyíre pumping on Frasier is really just Rhea Pearlman, George Wendt and John Ratzenberger dropping by to pick up a paycheck. Some reunion. The three ex-cast members who canít get a steady job showing up on a series that has run out of steam. And if this isnít one of the warning signs for the Apocalypse, then I donít know what is.

Elton John testified before congress and said America has an obligation to use is vast resources to stop the spread of the AIDs epidemic around the world. Isnít this the same man who used his vast resources to devour drugs and alcohol like they were going out of style and spent millions of dollars on mindless, self indulgent shopping sprees?

And now itís time to bid adieu to a whole bunch of people who have left or will soon be leaving the spotlight for various reasons. Arnold Palmer is too old to play in The Masters anymore and will make this yearís his last. Mike Wallace is too old to keep up his hectic schedule on 60 Minutes and will step aside before he has to use a walker to force his way into the offices of those shifty corporate liars heís made a career of exposing. And Byrant Gumble is too Byrant Gumbley to be on a morning talk show and will leave CBS to pursue other things. (Perhaps something in broadcasting that doesnít require being likable.)

On a much sadder note, Milton Berle, Dudley Moore and The Queen Mother all died and wonít be around to see that new Star Wars movie when it comes out. This is particularly sad in The Queen Motherís case since she was really looking forward to finding out what happens to Jar Jar Binks. But seriously, The Queen Mother lived a nice long life and we should all be so lucky. Milton Berle was an egotistical tyrant in his heyday who made a lot of money even though he wasnít very funny and we should all be so long. And Dudley Moore, well, itís actually very sad the way a rare disease slowly took away his ability to do the things he really enjoyed like making people laugh, sleeping with tall beautiful women and playing the piano. But at least the suffering is over now, and Moore is in a much better place - hanging out with Peter Cook in that great Frog & Peach in the sky. Good evening.