The common cold. Man, it sucks. And why do they call it common? Makes it sound so harmless. Ah, the misery! Headaches, runny nose, burning fever and those occasional jolts of dizziness that come at random intervals. Wait, I actually like that part. Anyway, itís time for yours truly to guzzle the NyQuilÆ, slip on the headphones and lie on the couch for two days straight - which was my game plan for this weekend even before I knew I had a cold.

But donít worry, baby. Just because my health is on vacation it doesnít mean my mind isnít working overtime. My brain is like rust. It never sleeps and often breaks off at the edges like a crispy potato chip. Gliddy glup gloopy, nibby nabby noopy, la la la lo lo. Wow, the codeine's kicked in already. If I should happen to repeat Tiki Barber over and over, just cover me with a blanket and quietly tiptoe out of the room.

An All-Star Tribute to Brian Wilson at Radio City Music Hall. Brian deserves better, but the show had its moments. High point: Matthew Sweet & Darius "Hootie" Rucker doing a killer rendition of "Sail On Sailor." Low point: Ricky "Fucking" Martin opening the show. Who invited him anyway? Maybe his fifteen minutes of fame werenít up when the promoter did the booking. And what was Carly Simon trying to prove - that she had boobs before anybody else in rock & roll? And if she was, why didnít show even more of them?

Just when you thought those Dial 1-800-Collect commercials couldnít get any more annoying, Carrot Top becomes the new spokesidiot. And do you get the impression that the freckle headed comedy genius mightíve ad-libbed some of his brilliant dialogue? Quite possibly the most unfunny person on this planet. And Iím including Milosevic when I make that statement.

Breaking up isnít so hard to do if your name happens to be Julia Roberts. Yup, itís all over between the pretty woman and Benjamin Bratt. A matter of geography, I guess. He lives in San Francisco, but New York is where sheíd rather stay. And then thereís the job thing. When heís making a movie in one place, sheís making one somewhere else. Blah-blah-blah, inka dinka doo, another one bites the dust. Letís see, there was Liam Neeson, Dylan McDermott, Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric, Lyle Lovett, Daniel Day-Lewis and then Bratt. Hey, Julia, if youíre trying to do the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon the hard way, youíve already surpassed the limit!

Producers have squelched rumors that Pierce Brosnan will be replaced by an unknown Scottish actor as Agent 007 in the next James Bond film. And in a related story, a new rumor is circulating that Samuel L. Jackson is out as Shaft and the role will be taken over by Biff Henderson.

Vice President Dick Cheney needed a pacemaker? Yeah, thatís a real news flash. I guess doctors became concerned when he went a whole month without having a heart attack. Iím sorry, I meant a heart episode. Which reminds me of this weekís poll - What is your favorite Dick Cheney heart episode and why? (And remember, if it was brought on by a remark made by Aunt Esther, youíre probably thinking of Fred Sanford.)

Speaking of the leaders of our great nation, was I the only one worried that George W. Bush would accidentally refer to the President of Russia as Putin Tang?

Hey wait a sec - Iím beginning to see a Wizard of Oz connection to the current administration. The Tin Man needed a heart, the Scarecrow needed a brain and wasnít the Lion so afraid of his own shadow that he decided to become an independent?

Is Kelsey Grammar worth 1.6 million dollars per episode to stay on as the star of Frasier? NBC must think so because thatís what theyíre coughing up to keep him from leaving the building, so to speak. That sure is a lot of green for the star of a show thatís past its prime. Not that its reached the embarrassment stage yet, but the cracks are beginning to show (especially when weíre forced to endure one of Niles and Daphneís sickening stabs at cuteness). And what about Will & Grace, the sitcom that was being groomed to become the next linchpin of Must See TV? Looks like itís already crossed the line from fresh to painful in near record time. Yeah, the wacky secondary characters have already spun out of control and a show can only go so far on gay jokes and good hair. Hmm, time for the Peacock Network to come up with a fourth variation of the Law & Order franchise, Iím thinking.

Hey, I got an idea for a TV show! O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake team up to track down whoever killed their wives. But instead of finding the real killers, they keep getting sidetracked and wind up solving other cases like the murders of Sal Mineo and Bob Crane.

Okay, getting back to the subject of overpaid sitcom stars, how ëbout $750,00 per episode for Drew Carey? Yeah, Drew is a big fat wheel at ABC. In fact, if for any reason Regis Philbin cannot fulfill his duties as network savior, Drew Carey would step in and assume the position. And Mimi would be a heartbeat away from her own spin-off.

I just remembered the best thing about the Brian Wilson tribute show: No Mike Love! Sorry, dude, the invitation must have got lost in the mail. Iím sure a rousing rendition of "Kokomo" would have brought the house down. Oh wait, Brian didn't write or produced that piece of putrid crap. Yeah, one more reason to pay tribute to him.

Kudos to Ice Magazine for getting back on the right track by devoting this monthís cover to Rhinoís Elvis Costello reissue program. Thatís more like it. And kudos as well to Rhino for making me have to buy these CDs all over again but not making me angry in the process. Two CDs for the price of one with the original album on one disc and a generous supply of bonus tracks on the other. An extra kudo for nixing the stodgy chronological order routine and instead releasing three albums from different parts of Costelloís career. Due out in August: My Aim Is True, Spike, and All This Useless Beauty.

Sabba sibby sabba...Tiki Tiki Barber...

Damn, almost drifted off before I had the chance to bid farewell to some legends who are no longer with us. They say that these things come in 3ís but this time around we lost four of them in a period of ten days. John Lee Hooker, Carroll OíConnor, Jack Lemmon and Chet Atkins are the great talents that passed away and they will be missed. But fortunately they left us with a lot to remember them by - some great music and memorable performances to help ease the blues brought by their absence. Thanks guys.