True story. I make my usual morning stop at the local 7-Eleven the other day and the girl behind the counter gives me the old "Do you know who you look like?" routine. Okay, so I play along and she tells me I look like Michael Douglas. "Not all the time," she explains, "just in that one movie where he played the maniac guy." Thanks, sweetie, now whereís my goddamn change?

Gee, when I first heard that Rolling Stone magazineís November issue would have a tribute to John Lennon (in honor of what would have been his 60th birthday), I felt a twinge of guilt over the nasty things I said about the publication recently. You know, how it used to be a cool rock and roll rag, but turned into a self-important piece of crap. Well, then I went to buy a copy and had a little trouble finding it. My mistake was scanning the rows and rows of magazines looking for a picture of John Lennon. As it turns out, Al Gore was the cover boy. What the hell was I thinking?!

Oh, I forgot thereís an election going on and the young people of today turn to MTV and Rolling Stone to get the low down on political issues and find out which pop princess will lose her virginity first. Maybe RS wouldíve put Lennonís face on the front of their magazine if Britney Spears had it tattooed on her belly.

On the positive side, at least Al Gore said his favorite group of all-time was The Beatles and his favorite Beatle was John Lennon. Hope he wasnít saying that just for political purposes and he doesnít show up on TNN and claim his favorite fifth Beatle was Grandpa Jones.

On the other hand, George Dub-ya Bush tried to cater to young voters by playing Tom Pettyís "I Wonít Back Down" during some of his campaign appearances. Good choice, except Petty didnít like the idea and told the Republican presidential hopeful to knock it off, asswipe. (Iím paraphrasing, of course.) The Bush people complied and rushed to a Muze© machine to see if they could find a new campaign theme song called "I Wonít Back Down Again."

All right, back to the 7-Eleven incident for a moment. I guess I shouldnít be too upset. I mean, if youíre gonna look like a crazy guy, it might as well be one whoís sleeping with Catherine Zeta-Jones, right? Besides, she couldíve said I reminded her of Mike Douglas the talk show host. But just in that one show when he did the mambo with Totie Fields.

Have you see Titans on NBC? This prime time soap makes Flamingo Road look like Shakespeare. And I really think they shouldíve stuck with the showís working title, Yasmine Bleeth: Half Naked, Most of the Time.

And whatís that ABC sitcom of Friday nights - The Importance of Being Normal? (Or something like that.) Man, gotta be one of the worst written shows in the history of television. And thatís coming from someone who remembers My Mother the Car, The Ugliest Girl In Town and NBCís entire 1975 season.

The Beatles Anthology (The Book) is out and itís a doozy! Pretty intimidating though. All that stuff to read and no pop-ups!!

Wow, Iím sure glad I got talked into going on-line. Now friends can not only not call me, they can also not e-mail me. And to think there was a time when all people had to look forward to was an empty mail box!

Limp Bizkit has unleashed a new album. (I pause for the cheering to subside). Long title: Chocolate Starfish and the Raspberry Beret Full of Hot Dogs. Well, at least itís shorter than the title for Fiona Appleís last album. And you donít have to worry about what to ask for at record stores. Just download it for free off the Internet. Iím sure Fred wonít mind.

Okay, so I got excited when I typed "LakinLand" into the Lycos search engine and came up with over 100 listings. Then my bubble was burst when I typed in ëCarson Dailyí and there were 103,533.

Check out the issue of TV Guide with the new Charlieís Angels on the cover. Since when did Drew Barrymore look that good? And is Cameron Diaz playing a crack whore in the film? (Before the lawsuits fly, Iím not saying she is a crack whore, Iím just saying she looks like one.) Now, Iím talking about the ëcasually dressedí Angels photo that adorns just one of the two collectors covers. I need to get the other "Angels Dressed Up" one to complete the set, just so I have something of value to pass onto my grand kids, should such creatures ever come to exist.

In the same issue of ëThe Guide,í thereís a nifty ëwhere are they nowí article on famous TV horror show hosts. Included is a look at Rich Koz, originally known as the Son of Svengoolie and now just plain Svengoolie. But only a passing mention is made of Jerry G. Bishop, the original Svengoolie who hosted Screaming Yellow Theater on WFLD-TV in Chicago during the 70's. Ah, low budget local television at itís best. The kind of comedy they could even enjoy in Berwyn. Berwyn?!

Yankees vs. Mets. The Subway Series! Worst TV ratings for a World Series ever. And that includes the year they didnít have one due to the strike. Maybe they should dip back into the past and revive NBCís old ërevolving seriesí concept (remember The Bold Ones?). They could take the World Series, the Olympics and the WNBA and rotate them weekly under the banner of Wide World of Sports Nobody Cares About.